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Inner Brat Newsletter: Why not "Why?" Dr. Wallin Welcome to the July, 2005 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat@topica.com. If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at mailto:drwallin@drwallin.com. IN THIS ISSUE Why not "Why?" Inner brats in the news Announcement: Mindsight Symposium Inner brat tip of the month: Change "Why?" to "How?" Distribution information This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you. ***************** Why not "Why?" ***************** When things don't turn out as expected or desired we often ask, "Why?" But most of the time the answer won't help. I'll explain in a minute. First let's examine the different meanings of the word, "why." For very young children, "Why?" is an expression of curiosity, a way to learn about their world: "Why is the sky blue?" "Why do people die?" "Why does that lady have such a big tummy?" As kids get older, "why" takes on new meanings: "Why can't I stay up later?" "Why do I always have to take out the trash?" "Why won't you trust me?" Notice that the goal of this kind of why-question is not to get information, but to confront or accuse. By adulthood we occasionally ask inquisitive why-questions such as, "Why is Product X bad for you?" or "Why do suicide bombers do what they do?" For such queries we really do seek answers. But most of our why-questions are something else in disguise. They're loaded with underlying messages and negative emotional connotations. For example: 1. Confrontation: "Why are you late? "Why did you have that affair?" "Why didn't you tell junior to do his homework?" People who ask such questions are not usually interested in the answer. The why-question is just a vehicle for expressing anger. To test whether your why-question is mainly anger, see if it makes sense when you substitute, "I'm angry that . . ." for the word, "why." 2. Disappointment: "Why do I always wait till the last minute?" "Why can't I lose weight?" "Why did I say that?" This type of why-question disguises the real message, which is "I'm disappointed in myself," or "I'm relinquishing control to my inner brat." You're not really after an explanation; you want results. 3. Self-victimization: "Why won't anyone listen to me?" "Why did she get the promotion, and not me?" "Why does this always happen to me?" In this case "Why?" is a form of complaining, where you allow your inner brat to keep you feeling victimized and helpless. 4. Futility: "Why should I even bother trying?" This is a subset of the victim why-question. But it is more extreme. In essence, this kind of why-question says, "I've lost hope; I give up." If you frequently find yourself in a mindset of hopeless and futility, you may have a problem with depression, and you should seek professional help. For the first three options, however, you can probably tackle the "why" issue on your own. Think of "why" as a smokescreen that masks the real agenda. Don't keep searching for the answer to "Why?" -- because either you already know the answer, or else you won't be appeased by it anyway. Instead, figure out which of the above meanings best fits your why-question, and deal with that. When you directly address the hidden meanings of your "whys" you will find that you won't need to ask the question any more! For tips on what to ask instead of "Why?" see the Inner Brat Tip at the end of this newsletter. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Need a speaker for your next conference, luncheon meeting, or event? Send an email to: drwallin@drwallin.com or call me at 717-761-1814 for more information. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ############################################ In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you will find more ways to use language to promote healthy thoughts and behavior. There are 3 ways to buy this book: ~Visit your local bookstore ~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com ~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1 ############################################# ***************************** Inner Brats in the News ***************************** The retail workers' union in the UK held its annual "Respect for Shopworkers Day" to highlight the problem of physical assaults in retail stores. Each year 20,000 workers are attacked verbally or physically by angry customers. ========================================================= A Russian astrologer is suing NASA, the U.S. space agency for $300 million. She claims that after NASA deliberately crashed a space probe into a comet for research purposes, it affected the comet's orbit. This will distort her horoscopes. ========================================================= Singer Lauryn Hill kept 2300 audience members waiting for almost three hours past her concert start time. She apologized for the delay, saying that she had had a problem deciding what to wear. For more stories about brats in the news visit my website http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml ######################################### ANNOUNCEMENT: MINDSIGHT SYMPOSIUM Imagine a gathering of people where scientists, clinical scholars, poets and philosophers explore the nature of the human mind in our life, work, and relationships with each other. The First Annual Mindsight Symposium, Oct 21-23, will take you on a journey of the deep layers of mental life beneath the threshold of everyday awareness. For more information and to register, visit http://www.vanguardinaction.org. ########################################## **************************************************** Inner Brat Tip of the Month: Change "Why" to "How" **************************************************** When we ask "Why?" we usually mean something else. Why-questions are loaded with anger, disappointment and self-victimization. They can be quite destructive, undermining relationships and our own feelings of competence. Asking "Why?" to other people makes them defensive, triggering their inner brats. Asking "Why?" to ourselves perpetuates the negative mindset of our own inner brat. Next time you want to ask "Why?" try substituting phrases such as "I'm angry that..." or "I'm disappointed that..." or "I'm complaining that..." Then you'll have an idea of what you're really dealing with. Next, change your question to begin with the word, "How." Examples: "How will you make sure you'll be on time?" "How will I stick to my exercise program?" "How can I get people to listen to me?" Changing from "why" to "how" shifts your whole perspective from the problem to the solution. And, as an added benefit, you will avert triggering your own and other people's inner brats. The Inner Brat Newsletter is taking a break in August. See you in September. Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. http://www.innerbrat.com |
