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Inner Brat Newsletter: Why you want what you can't have Welcome to the May 2005 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat--@topica.com. If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at mailto:drwa-@drwallin.com. IN THIS ISSUE Why you want what you can’t have Inner brats in the news How have you tamed your own inner brat? Inner brat tip of the month: Appreciate what you have Distribution information This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you. ********************************** Why you want what you can’t have ********************************** “You can’t always get what you want . . .” The Rolling Stones will soon be singing this refrain at venues around the world, as they embark on a year-long concert tour in August. This song, now decades old, addresses a universal truth. Here’s the rest of the refrain: You can't always get what you want . . . But if you try sometimes You just might find You get what you need. What is it that you really wanted and didn’t get? The affections of a person who was with someone else? That dream job? The last cinnamon-raisin bagel snapped up by the customer in front of you? These scenarios range from trivial to potentially life-changing, but they all have one thing in common: WHEN YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU WANT IT EVEN MORE. Here are three reasons why this is so: 1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet, you sometimes get too focused on what you “can’t” eat. This heightened attention -- which can escalate into obsession -- makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have that chocolate or pizza. 2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it. If you’ve ever bid at auctions or on eBay, you know the experience of that last-minute excitement as you watch the bids spiral upward. The more people who bid, the more you’re willing to pay for the item. Your inner brat wants it at any price. 3. “Psychological Reactance”: People don’t like to be told they can’t have or can’t do something. It’s related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The “reactance” is both emotional and behavioral. The emotional part is your inner brat saying, “Oh yeah? I can’t have what I want? Just try and stop me!” The behavioral component is what you do about it, which usually involves some type of rebellious reaction. You see this with teenagers whose parents have forbidden them to date certain people. Reactance also explains why a “Wet Paint” sign always invites unwanted fingerprints on the newly painted surface. Next time you don’t get what you want, ask yourself whether one of the above factors has influenced your desire. If so, let go of the pursuit. Your inner brat won’t be happy, but ultimately (in the words of the Rolling Stones,) you “might just find [that] you get what you need.” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Need a speaker for your next conference, luncheon meeting, or event? Send an email to: drwa-@drwallin.com or call me at 717-761-1814 for more information. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ############################################ In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can learn more about how your inner brat intensifies your desire, and what to do about it. There are 3 ways to buy this book: ~Visit your local bookstore ~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com ~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1 ############################################# ***************************** Inner Brats in the News ***************************** A British woman who gave birth after a failed abortion is suing the National Health Service for £250,000. She claims that the government is responsible for helping her raise the child she didn't want. ========================================================= In a survey of 500 men, ages 16-34 (which statistically is the most aggressive group of drivers,) only 48% rated themselves as aggressive drivers. 85% admitted to driving 10 miles over the speed limit, and 48% admitted honking their horns at other drivers. However, the majority said that when they do get aggressive, it's because of the way other people drive. ========================================================= A man fell off a bed in a Shanghai hotel room during a post-nuptial celebration, and broke his arm. He and his bride filed a complaint with the hotel, accusing them of providing unsafe facilities. ========================================================= For more stories about brats in the news visit my website http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml ************************************** How have you tamed your own inner brat? ************************************** Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml ***************************************************** Inner brat tip of the month: Appreciate what you have ***************************************************** Too much focus on what you don’t have brings your inner brat into the foreground, making you dissatisfied and unhappy. Instead, pay more attention to what you do have. Accept the fact that over the course of a lifetime, no one ever gets to do everything or to own everything that they want. Nevertheless, there is much abundance around you -- still lots of options to explore and to be thankful for. Concentrate on these, and you will enjoy a rich life, regardless of your income or status. Until next month, Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. http://www.innerbrat.com |
