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Written and Published by: Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. Author, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" http://www.innerbrat.com Copyright 2005 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. ************************************************** Welcome to the February, 2005 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com. If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at mailto:drwallin@drwallin.com. IN THIS ISSUE > If you compare, beware > Inner brats in the news > New service: Inner brat coaching by phone > Inner brat tip of the month: Steer kids away from comparing > Distribution information This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you. *************************** IF YOU COMPARE, BEWARE *************************** Picture this scene: Little Johnny's mother places a large piece of chocolate cake on his plate. He's pretty happy with it -- until he glances over at his brother's portion and notices that it's even bigger than his own. Suddenly Johnny is no longer satisfied with what he got. He starts to pout and complain, and may even resort to throwing his cake on the floor. Sound familiar? If you didn't have this experience growing up, you have surely observed it in others. And it's not only kids who engage in this sort of comparison. Adults do it too. Suppose you get a 10% raise at work. "That's pretty good," you might say to yourself. But a few days later you find out that someone else got 12%. Now you're not so pleased. Your inner brat starts grumbling about your raise not being fair, or not being nearly enough. The actual dollar amount of your raise hasn't changed, but your attitude toward it has. Why? It's a result of what psychologists call "social comparison." Humans are social animals, so it's natural to view ourselves in relation to other people. It's not necessarily bad, either: - Much of our helping behavior and charitable giving come from comparing our own circumstances with those who are less fortunate. - Social comparison is useful in situations where we're not quite sure how to act. Let's say you're attending services at a house of worship whose rituals and procedures are unfamiliar to you. You'll probably look around and see what everyone else is doing so that you can follow along. - Social comparison contributes to order in society. When people dress, behave and speak in similar ways they feel a sense of belonging and loyalty within the group. BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE TO SOCIAL COMPARISON. Routinely comparing yourself to others -- especially when it comes to money, talent, recognition and material possessions -- will invariably lead to dissatisfaction, even if you come out on top. Research has shown that people who make a habit of such comparisons are generally less happy than are those who base their success on their own internal standards. Here’s why: When you compare yourself to people who have more than you, your inner brat gets into gear. Just like little Johnny and the chocolate cake described above, your inner brat dwells on what's missing, which makes you feel victimized. You'll never be satisfied, no matter how much you have, as long as someone else has more. This is the same mentality that fuels the huge salary demands by top athletes, actors and CEOs: "I'm making $20 million, but that's not enough because the other guy's getting $30 million." If comparing yourself to people who have more than you makes you feel worse, should you instead concentrate on comparing yourself to those who have less or accomplished less? Actually, no. While it might be comforting for the moment, it could backfire in the long run. You could end up feeling even less secure, worrying that you’ll lose what you have. Or you might feel guilty for having more than others, such that you subconsciously sabotage your future success. It’s best not to compare yourself to anyone. Other people’s achievements don’t diminish your own, and their misfortunes do not improve your lot. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn't compete, nor that you shouldn't strive to improve. However, do it for the right reasons -- not because your inner brat is whining, but rather to develop and grow. That way, you’ll enjoy your accomplishments so much more. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Need a speaker for your next conference, luncheon meeting, or event? Send an email to: drwallin@drwallin.com or call me at 717-761-1814 for more information. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ############################################ My book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," is packed with suggestions on how to manage negative feelings. There are 3 ways to buy this book: ~Visit your local bookstore ~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com ~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1 ############################################# ***************************** Inner Brats in the News ***************************** In a recent poll on school violence, the Canadian Teachers Federation found that 59% of principals had witnessed at least one parent verbally abuse a teacher, and 23% had seen a parent physically assault or intimidate a teacher. These statistics reflect school administrators' reports of an increase in the number of parents have arrived at schools ready to blame teachers for their kids' poor grades or behavior problems. =======================================================In a survey released by ABC News and Time Magazine, 64% of Americans say they often see other people driving aggressively, but only 30% admit doing so themselves. Obviously it’s the other guy who has a problem with road rage. . . ========================================================In Romania a man who was trying to poison his neighbor's dog with strychnine filed a complaint against the manufacturer because the poison didn't work. ======================================================For more stories about brats in the news visit my website http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml **************************************** NEW SERVICE: INNER BRAT COACHING BY PHONE **************************************** I hope this newsletter helps give you a new perspective, and that you learn techniques for managing self-defeating thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Of course, no general publication can address everyone’s unique situation or problem. If you have an issue for which you’d like personal consultation -- procrastination, overeating, spending money, conflicts at work or at home -- contact me at drwallin@drwallin.com to set up a f,ree 20-minute phone consultation. We’ll talk about your life and whether telephone coaching can help you. *********************************************************** Inner brat tip of the month: Steer kids away from comparing *********************************************************** Kids are compared from birth, beginning with how much the baby weighed, to milestones of walking and talking, to class standing and SAT (college admission test) scores. It’s hard to get away from comparing one child’s accomplishments or talents against another’s. Some parents try to offset comparisons by treating all siblings equally. Thus, if one child gets two cookies, the others also get exactly two cookies. This can be taken to extremes, where at some birthday parties all children get a present so they won’t feel left out. Parents use such tactics with the intention of promoting fairness and eliminating rivalry. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Kids who expect to be treated exactly the same as their siblings are always on the lookout for violations. Instead of focusing inward, they look over their shoulders to make sure that they aren’t being shortchanged. Here is a better approach for parents: 1. Refrain from saying things like, “Why can’t you be like . . .?” Such complaints don’t inspire a child to try harder. To the contrary, they only encourage unfavorable comparisons. 2. Address each child’s individual needs, without comparing them to others. For example, to a youngster who wants to stay up as late as his older sister, say, “You need more sleep, so you go to bed earlier. When you don’t need as much sleep, you’ll be able to stay up later.” Notice how this statement DOESN’T say “when you’re as old as your sister.” It doesn’t even mention her. 3. Treats and gifts should not be identical or even equitable. When you buy a birthday present for one sibling, don’t feel guilty about not getting anything for the other kids. If you happen to be out shopping with one child and buy her some ice cream, it’s not necessary to bring a treat home to the other children as well. 4. Acknowledge that not every situation will be entirely fair. If you are casual about this, so will your children be. And best of all, they will grow up with less concern about what other kids have or don’t have. Until next month, Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. http://www.innerbrat.com DISTRIBUTION INFORMATION: This newsletter may be quoted, reprinted, or forwarded to others as long as the content is not changed and the subscription, copyright, and contact information is included. If you would like to post this newsletter on a website, please contact me for permission at mailto:drwallin@drwallin.com NOTE: The content in this newsletter is for informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for personal consultation with a professional, or as any type of psychological service. The inner brat is NOT a psychiatric diagnosis. If you are having difficulty just getting through the day, this is more than just your inner brat. In this case you are advised to consult a mental health professional. Copyright 2005 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. |
