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This free monthly newsletter, written by a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience, explains how the inner brat works, and presents tips for putting you in charge of your inner brat. To read past issues of this newsletter, visit http://drwallin.com/newsletter/ Written and Published by: Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. Author, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" http://www.innerbrat.com Copyright 2004 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. ************************************************** Welcome to the October, 2004 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com. If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at . IN THIS ISSUE > The power of a small favor > Inner brats in the news > How have you tamed your own inner brat? > Inner brat tip of the month: Strategies for small favors > Distribution information This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you. ***************************** The power of a small favor ***************************** After comedian Rodney Dangerfield died a couple of weeks ago, I began reflecting on the whole notion of “I don’t get no respect.” In Dangerfield’s comedy routine, disrespect was amusing. But in real life it fills us with indignation. While we may not lash out at disrespectful people, our irritation is certainly communicated through cold silence or sarcastic remarks. Has such a reaction EVER made a difference in getting more respect from others? I doubt it. Today I’m going to show you a better way to deal with disrespectful people who irk you, frustrate you, and drain you of energy. HERE’S THE SECRET: When someone gets under your skin, do them a small favor or give them a small token gift. I’ll tell you why in a minute. But first, here are some real-life examples: * A divorced man, whose ex-wife played power games by impeding his relationship with the children, decided to try the small favor route. One day when he picked up the kids from her house he brought her a quart of gourmet-grade cherries. “I was at the farmer’s market and saw these cherries, which I recall were one of your favorite treats,” he said casually. “I know the market is far from your house, so I figured as long as I’m going to stop by here anyway, I would bring you a few.” * An employee whose boss was hypercritical made a point of bringing her a copy of a magazine article on antiques, a subject that the employee knew was the boss’s hobby. As the employee walked by her desk he stopped briefly and gave her the article. “I read this piece in Newsweek last night, and thought I’d bring it in just in case you hadn’t seen it,” he said nonchalantly. * A college student happened to be in the vicinity of a classmate who had participated in spreading a rumor about her. The classmate had just exclaimed that her cell phone battery was dead. The student pulled her own phone from her pocket and offered, “Here. Go ahead and use mine.” In all the above examples, the recipients of the gift or favor reacted with a puzzled expression, but nevertheless accepted the gesture. In two of the situations the recipients became more friendly later on. (Unfortunately, the hypercritical boss did not, but that’s a subject for another article.) How was it that a small act of kindness could disarm another person’s antagonism? It happened through a psychological process called “cognitive dissonance reduction.” Here’s how it works: When someone has two contradictory observations or beliefs -- for example, on the one hand that they feel hostile toward you, and on the other hand that they just accepted a small gift from you -- this sets off psychological discomfort or “dissonance.” In order to reduce this dissonance, the person has to bring the two contradictory beliefs more in line with each other. Since they can’t change the fact that they have accepted your gesture of kindness, they shift their beliefs to something like, “Maybe she’s not as bad as I thought.” In other words, the angry ex-wife who was given a quart of cherries must rethink her position. Here is a man that she thought was a total jerk, but who has just behaved in a considerate manner. Now her mind strives to make these two beliefs more consistent with each other. She’s already tasted the cherries, and is not about to give them up. Thus, she rationalizes, “Maybe he’s been working on his own self-improvement.” For a little while, at least, she does not feel quite so angry toward her ex. In this real-life case, the caustic relationship between the ex-spouses was not repaired with a quart of cherries. But it was a start. Over time, they were better able to communicate about their children, without getting into heated arguments. Next time someone annoys you, respond with a small gift or favor. To make this strategy even more powerful, see my tips at the end of this newsletter. When you first try the gift/favor approach, it won’t feel right at all. Your inner brat will NOT want to do it. It may even scold you for kissing up to someone who treated you with disrespect. But your inner brat doesn’t realize that you are not kissing up. You are taking charge, choosing to rise above the other person’s hostility. This is the mark of a mature person, something the inner brat can’t understand. As I mentioned earlier, this approach does not work 100% of the time. But even when it doesn’t, you can still reap a benefit. Because you choose to respond with kindness and consideration, you will remain calmer and feel more in control over the situation. Furthermore, because your own mind also grapples with cognitive dissonance, you might find that after your act of kindness, you don’t feel so annoyed by the other person. I urge you to try this strategy and let me know how it works for you. I’ll pick my favorite vignette and send the winner a free, autographed copy of the brand new 2004 edition of my book, “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior.” Send your story to me at . ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Need a speaker for your next conference, luncheon meeting, or event? Send an email to drwallin at drwallin.com or call me at 717-761-1814 for more information. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ############################################ Check out the 2004 edition of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior." It’s a new, expanded version at the same price as the old one. Pick up a few for gifts for any occasion. There are 3 ways to buy this book: ~Visit your local bookstore ~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com ~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://tinyurl.com/66vof I still have a few 2001 copies, and am offering them for $11 including shipping. I will also include a paper printout of the new chapter that is in the 2004 edition. If you would like to take advantage of this offer, email me at ############################################# ***************************** Inner Brats in the News ***************************** The celebrity chef of an upscale restaurant in London blocked a patron who was leaving with her party, loudly accusing her of stealing a silver teaspoon. The patron, who had just spent over £500 was appalled at the accusation. When the spoon was later found on another table, the chef refused to apologize, hinting that the patron must have moved it there. =======================================================Parents were charged with assault of their 10-year-old son. While the father held the boy on the floor, the mother bit and stabbed him several times in the arm with a kitchen knife. She was upset because her son had destroyed her favorite stuffed animal. =======================================================A man is suing the fast-food chain, White Castle, because he suffered "great pain and anguish in mind and body" when he bit into an onion ring two years ago, which caused hot grease to splatter onto his arm and burn him. He claims that his injuries were caused by "onion rings that were in an unreasonably dangerous and defective condition," and that White Castle was negligent in selling food that is too hot for consumption. =======================================================For more stories about brats in the news visit my website http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml ************************************** How have you tamed your own inner brat? ************************************** Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml ******************************************************** Inner brat tip of the month: Strategies for small favors ******************************************************** Next time you feel annoyed by someone who shows disrespect, take control of the situation and of your inner brat by giving them a small token gift, or by doing them a small favor. To make this strategy more powerful, keep in mind the following: 1. You don’t have to act right away -- in fact sometimes it’s more effective when you wait a while. 2. The gift or the favor must be very small. If it’s too lavish, the other person might consider it a bribe or a manipulation, and will not shift beliefs. In the earlier example of the ex-wife, suppose the man had brought her some expensive perfume. In that case she could have easily assumed that he was just trying to control her. 3. Any favors that you do for this purpose must appear casual and incidental. Note that the man with the cherries told his ex that he noticed them while he was shopping at the farmer’s market. He gave them to her at the same time that he was picking up his kids. He didn’t make any special trips. When you present token gifts in such a casual manner, the recipients are less likely to feel manipulated. 4. Use this approach sparingly. If you do it too often, you may be viewed as patronizing or “kissing up.” It’s better to save it for infrequent little surprises. And don’t forget: After you try this strategy, send me an email on how it worked for you. If your story is the winner, I’ll send you an autographed copy of my book. Until next month, Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. http://www.innerbrat.com DISTRIBUTION INFORMATION: This newsletter may be quoted, reprinted, or forwarded to others as long as the content is not changed and the subscription, copyright, and contact information is included. If you would like to post this newsletter on a website, please contact me for permission at NOTE: The content in this newsletter is for informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for personal consultation with a professional, or as any type of psychological service. The inner brat is NOT a psychiatric diagnosis. If you are having difficulty just getting through the day, this is more than just your inner brat. In this case you are advised to consult a mental health professional. Copyright 2004 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. |
