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This free monthly newsletter, written by a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience, explains how the inner brat works, and presents tips for putting you in charge of your inner brat. To read past issues of this newsletter, visit http://drwallin.com/newsletter/ Written and Published by: Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. Author, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" http://www.innerbrat.com Copyright 2004 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. ************************************************** Welcome to the September, 2004 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com. If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at . IN THIS ISSUE > Explanations? . . . Or excuses? > Announcement: New edition of Taming Your Inner Brat > Inner brats in the news > How have you tamed your own inner brat? > Inner brat tip of the month: Trade excuses for action > Distribution information This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you. *********************************** Explanations? . . . Or excuses? *********************************** Which of the following "explanations" have you heard (or used!) in the past few weeks? * I need to reward myself for being so good. * The boss hates me. * It's been too hot (too cold, too rainy) to exercise * Of course I have problems. I'm a middle child. * It was the alcohol talking. It's pretty obvious that the above "explanations" are basically excuses for avoiding responsibility. Your inner brat uses such excuses to justify overeating, underachievement and saying hurtful things. Next look at the following. They almost seem like plausible explanations: * Sorry I'm late again. There was a lot of traffic. * I haven't had a chance to call her back. It's been crazy around here. * I never went to college because my parents didn’t encouraged me. * I didn't want to hurt your feelings. * I can't seem to get things done because of my ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). But these, too, are still excuses, not explanations. If you examine the above statements more closely, you will find that they are not entirely explanatory, and are easily challenged. For example: * Being chronically late is not caused by traffic; it's caused by not leaving enough time for travel. * If a phone call is important enough, a person will almost always find the time. * Lack of parental encouragement may have some influence on one's life, but eventually we all have choices to make about investing our time and energy. * Most of the time people avoid confrontation not to protect someone else's feelings, but to protect their own. * People with ADHD need to work harder to stay focused but this does not mean they cannot complete their tasks. A true explanation shows a cause-and-effect relationship: Situation X caused Consequence Y. Excuses masquerade as explanations, but are really distortions of the truth. Excuses include following elements: 1. They usually blame other people or external circumstances -- e.g., "I hit him because he made me mad," or "You're too sensitive," or "It was just my bad luck." 2. When they blame oneself, they usually invoke a personal trait or limitation -- e.g., "I'm not good at keeping track of bills," or "You KNOW I never remember details," or “I have no self-discipline.” 3. They minimize the impact of insults, breaches of trust, and harm to others -- e.g., "Everybody does it." or "Why are you so upset? It's no big deal" 4. They attempt to absolve the excuse-maker of personal responsibility. 5. They seem to make more sense after the fact, than they would have beforehand -- e.g., you might rationalize, "I deserved that pound of Godiva chocolates because I worked hard all day." But would it really make sense to say, "If I work hard today the best reward for my efforts is a pound of Godivas?" It's very tempting to make excuses. In fact it is one of your inner brat's favorite strategies. Excuses serve to protect you from facing your own shortcomings. They also try to keep other people from noticing your limitations. Excuses are a way of saying, "I'm really a good person, but . . ." At the same time, however, excuses are only a temporary, quick fix. You may feel better for the moment, but in the long run you are dissatisfied with yourself. No one has ever felt uplifted by making an excuse. Facing the truth is sometimes difficult, but it gives you the opportunity to take charge, to make positive decisions and to gradually eliminate the need for excuses. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Need a speaker for your next conference, luncheon meeting, or event? Send an email to drwallin at drwallin.com or call me at 717-761-1814 for more information. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ############################################ **** ANNOUNCEMENT: New edition of Taming Your Inner Brat ***** My book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," is in its second edition. It will be available in the next couple of weeks, hot off the press. The second edition features a few minor edits, plus a NEW CHAPTER on how to deal with other people’s inner brats. If you already have the first edition and would like this chapter, email me at and I will send it to you free of charge, by email. I have a few first-edition copies of the book, and am offering them at my cost, for US $ll.00, including shipping. (I will also include a print-out of the new chapter.) If you’d like one of these, email me at for info on how to get your copy. ############################################# ***************************** Inner Brats in the News ***************************** A prisoner in New Zealand serving a life sentence for murdering a 17-year-old girl was awarded $1200 compensation for hurt feelings and humiliation in prison. The alleged humiliation stemmed from a letter which he had not seen, but which alleged that he had molested another girl. The tribunal agreed with the prisoner that not having access to the letter caused "injury to his feelings, loss of dignity and humiliation." =======================================================A jury in Texas found an Illinois tire company not liable for a man's death in Mexico. The man had overinflated a tractor tire, which exploded. The family sued the American tire manufacturer for $10 million, claiming that warnings were not printed in Spanish. =======================================================A recent survey of American medical hospital administrators found that 95% of them have had complaints about rude doctors. Although the majority of physicians behave professionally, there are a few at each hospital and clinic who repeatedly lose their tempers and are verbally abusive to nurses. Rarely are they disciplined. ========================================================For more stories about brats in the news visit my website http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml ************************************** How have you tamed your own inner brat? ************************************** Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml ******************************************************** Inner brat tip of the month: Trade excuses for action ******************************************************** If you habitually make excuses, you are setting yourself up for failure. Excuses encourage you to lower your expectations for yourself. With lowered expectations you will eventually stop trying to improve. When you stop trying, you deprive yourself of opportunities to enjoy success and contentment. The good news is that you can start right now to banish excuses from your vocabulary. Here are some tips on what to do next time you're tempted to make an excuse: 1. Face the fact that you screwed up. For minor transgressions, it's not the end of the world. For major problems, your excuse isn't going to reverse the situation anyway. Things are what they are, and you can only move forward from there. 2. Apologize. Acknowledge that it was your own fault. Keep it simple; e.g., "I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't allow enough time for traffic problems." Notice how this example starts with the word "I" in the explanation. 3. Offer to make amends; e.g., "I won't let it happen again," or "Is there some way I can make this up to you?" 4. Learn from the experience. Make a decision about how you will handle this or similar situations in the future. 5. Write down your decision and treat it as a promise to yourself. This is especially useful for excuses you make to yourself, such as when you rationalize procrastination or abandoning your exercise program. Until next month, Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. http://www.innerbrat.com DISTRIBUTION INFORMATION: This newsletter may be quoted, reprinted, or forwarded to others as long as the content is not changed and the subscription, copyright, and contact information is included. If you would like to post this newsletter on a website, please contact me for permission at NOTE: The content in this newsletter is for informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for personal consultation with a professional, or as any type of psychological service. The inner brat is NOT a psychiatric diagnosis. If you are having difficulty just getting through the day, this is more than just your inner brat. In this case you are advised to consult a mental health professional. Copyright 2004 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved. |
