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Welcome to this month's issue of the Inner Brat newsletter. What is
the inner brat? It's the seemingly irresistible, impulsive force inside
every one of us, that makes us say and do things we later regret. Bad
habits, problem tempers and other self-defeating behaviors and thoughts
are products of the inner brat.
A voice inside you screams, "I want it!" or "I can't stand it!" or "Why
me?!" Sound familiar? That's your inner brat. You can't get rid of
it completely, but you can learn to tame it.
This free monthly newsletter, written by a clinical psychologist with
over 28 years of experience, explains how the inner brat works, and
presents tips for putting you in charge of your inner brat.
To read past issues of this newsletter, visit
http://drwallin.com/newsletter/
NOTE: The inner brat is NOT a psychiatric diagnosis. If you are having
difficulty just getting through the day, this is more than just your
inner brat. In this case you are advised to consult a mental health
professional.
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Written and Published by:
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
Author, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating
Behavior"
http://www.innerbrat.com
Copyright 2003 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved.
**************************************************
Welcome to the April, 2004 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter.
Welcome,
new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your
friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send
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If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at
.
IN THIS ISSUE
> Are you always late?
> Inner brats in the news
> How have you tamed your own inner brat?
> Inner brat tip of the month: What to do about others’ lateness
> Distribution information
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Are you always late?
**************************
This month's topic was suggested by one of our subscribers. If there's
any topic you'd like me to address, just send me an email:
.
Chronic lateness is something we're all familiar with. If it's not you
who's late, it's someone you know. Do any of the following sound
familiar?
** You're always rushing at the last minute, even though you've
promised
yourself countless times that you wouldn't let this happen again.
** You've tried setting your watch several minutes ahead, but you're
still late.
** You may be punctual for work (barely) but you're usually at least 20
minutes late for meetings, appointments, class, church, theater or
other
non-work situations.
** You make excuses, such as: "There was traffic," or "Something came
up," or "I was going to call you but I didn't want to be even more
late."
** People become impatient or angry at your tardiness.
** You believe that you are more motivated when in a time crunch, or
that you move faster under pressure.
If you can identify with 2 or more of the above, you have a problem
with
punctuality. Chronic lateness is not a psychiatric diagnosis --
although there have been court cases where employees fired for
tardiness
tried to get their jobs back or collect unemployment compensation
because they had a case of what they called "chronic lateness
syndrome."
(Most of these lawsuits were dismissed. There was one in Philadelphia
in the 1980's that was successful.)
Nor is chronic lateness a genetic condition, even though some people
treat it as such. They say things like:
"That's just the way I am. I don't like it, but it seems that I am
incapable of being on time."
"My mother was always late; I'm always late, and so are my kids."
"I don't mean to be late. It just turns out that way."
Chronic lateness is related to procrastination. Latecomers and
procrastinators have trouble NOT with time, but with self-discipline.
They may also have underlying anxiety about the task they're faced
with.
If you have problems with being punctual, especially for things that
are
a bit threatening, such as doctor's appointments, new social
situations,
or meeting with people you don't like, then your lateness is
anxiety-based. Putting off the inevitable is how your mind tries to
cope with anxiety.
But if you are habitually late for routine business and for events that
don't cause you much discomfort, then the problem is mainly with
self-discipline and your inner brat. Your inner brat balks at exerting
itself, and at being told what to do.
Here's an example of how your inner brat sabotages your efforts.
Suppose that, in order to be at work by 8:00 a.m., you must leave home
by 7:30. So you set the alarm for 6:30 -- no, let's make it 6:15 just
to be safe.
The next morning when the alarm rings at 6:15, your inner brat says to
you, "Just press the snooze button. You didn't really intend to get up
till 6:30 anyway." And 9 minutes later when the alarm rings again,
your
inner brat says, "Just one more time. It's not 6:30 yet."
You might press the snooze button 2 or 3 more times. By the time you
do
roll out of bed you feel a little rushed, but you convince yourself
that
you can still make it out the door by 7:30 . . . 7:40 at the latest.
Oops -- what have you just done? You have inadvertently allowed your
inner brat to negotiate. The 7:30 departure time is no longer firm.
Now it's moved to 7:40. Plus, you have opened the door to further
delay
as you get closer to 7:40.
As your morning routine progresses, you find several little things that
didn't seem urgent last night or the day before, but which need to be
taken care of *right now*. Checking your watch (which you've set 10
minutes fast) you see that it's 7:35. "It's really only 7:25," you
remind yourself. Your inner brat adds that you have at least 15
minutes, since you can still make it to work on time if you leave at
7:40, providing traffic is not too bad.
Next thing you know, it's 7:55, and you go flying around looking for
your shoes, your keys or that recipe you promised to Gladys at work.
Now there's no way you're going to be there by 8:00. But tomorrow for
sure . . .
How did this happen? You can see that the problem is not lack of time
-- you have enough time to get ready.
The problem is what you do with the time. Your inner brat distracts
you, makes excuses about the urgencies of nonessential tasks, or
rationalizes that you don't have to conform to a rigid schedule.
And it's not just work or other obligations that your inner brat
resists. It also balks at preparing for things that you're looking
forward to. Just as with work, getting ready for positive events
requires focus and blocking out distractions. Since these involve
effort and concentration, your inner brat wants nothing to do with
them.
As you can see, if you want to be successful at mastering your chronic
lateness, it's not enough to merely rearrange your schedule. You must
also understand how your inner brat sabotages your best efforts to be
on
time by distorting your priorities. Once you get to know your inner
brat, you’ll be on your way to breaking your lateness habit.
############################################
In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming
Self-defeating Behavior," you can learn more about your inner brat and
the tactics that it uses to undermine your self-control efforts.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1
-You can also order by telephone directly from the publisher (503)
531-8700. Ask for the "Friends and family" rate to receive a discount.
#############################################
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Inner Brats in the News
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An article written in 1995 by former Tyco Chairman Dennis Koslowski has
recently come to light. Kozlowski has been accused of stealing millions
from the company for his own benefit. Ironically he wrote in 1995:
"For
me, and for most CEOs, the irresponsible image really rankles. Most of
us made it to the chief executive position because of a particularly
high degree of responsibility and commitment to our jobs throughout our
careers." And: "We've been made out to be free-wheeling jet setters,
playboys reliving our adolescent years."
=========================================================
A 17-year-old boy in Indiana was killed when his car ran off the road.
He had not been wearing a seatbelt, had a blood alcohol level of .162,
and had told friends he had used the painkiller, Oxycontin. His
parents
are suing the county for defective road construction and failure to
maintain the road in a safe condition.
=========================================================
A teacher in England who provided alcohol to a group of 14-year-old
girls and played strip poker with them was arrested and lost his job.
He claimed that he saw nothing wrong with his actions, since the girls
didn't seem bothered by it. His attorney said of the teacher's
obliviousness to the potential harm he was causing: "This is a
character
defect which he fully accepts."
==========================================================
During a school's on-stage demonstration of nonviolent ways to settle
conflicts, a fight broke out in the audience when a woman confronted a
group of girls who had been bothering her daughter. The fight
escalated
into screaming, pushing and hitting that took 15 minutes to break up.
==========================================================
For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
**************************************
Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats.
Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to:
http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
**************************************************************
Inner brat tip of the month: What to do about others’ lateness
**************************************************************
If you are habitually punctual, it is frustrating to deal with people
who are habitually late. While you cannot change their behavior, you
can do some things to prevent their problem from becoming yours. Here
are some tips:
1. Avoid phoning the other person and asking, “Where are you? Why
aren’t you here?” You’ll only get excuses, which will make you more
angry.
2. Don’t play games by telling them to be ready half an hour before
the
“real” appointed time. It might work once or twice, but eventually
they’ll catch on and build in the half-hour cushion (and more) into
their preparation time.
3. Instead of riding together to church, movies, or other scheduled
events, arrange to meet them there. In this way, you need not be
penalized for their tardiness. (This goes for married couples, too!)
4. Decide in advance how long you will be willing to wait for the
other
person. Also decide what you will do if the person does not arrive by
that time. For example, say to yourself, “If she’s not here at the
restaurant in 10 minutes, I’m going to order my lunch anyway.” “If he
doesn’t show up by the time the movie starts, I’m going to find a seat
in the theater.”
5. Be prepared to leave if the other person does not show up by a
pre-designated time. You need not apologize. If the latecomer calls
you afterward, neither lecture him nor say, “That’s OK.” Simply state
that you waited X-number of minutes and left. Offer to reschedule, but
do this only once.
6. Never rely on a habitually late person to take you to the airport
or
other places where punctuality is an absolute must. Although a taxi
can
be expensive, you will save much wear and tear on your nerves.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
DISTRIBUTION INFORMATION: This newsletter may be quoted, reprinted, or
forwarded to others as long as the content is not changed and the
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NOTE: The content in this newsletter is for informational purposes
only. It is not intended as a substitute for personal consultation with a
professional, or as any type of psychological service.
Copyright 2004 Pauline Wallin. All rights reserved.
