|
|
Welcome to the May, 2003 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
> Humor and playfulness in your marriage
> Inner brats in the news
> Humor section: marital one-liners
> Inner brat tip of the month: Humor as preventive maintenance
> Distribution information
This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you.
I'm a bit late getting this month's newsletter out. In the process of getting ready for our daughter's wedding, I had to clean up a couple of years' worth of clutter at home prior to the relatives' visit, so that they wouldn't know what a slob I really am. The wedding was great fun. We got together with family and friends, and met the new in-law extended family.
**************************************
Humor and playfulness in your marriage
**************************************
In honor of the bride and groom, this month's newsletter focuses on the use of playfulness and humor in marriage and other long-term relationships.
You may be familiar with the typical English-language wedding vows, which include the following:
"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health . . ."
There certainly will be times when things are worse rather than better; when money is tight; and when one of the partners is in poor physical or emotional health. These are times that strain a relationship, and encourage bratty attitudes and behaviors. But a sense of humor can get you through difficult times more smoothly.
I'm not implying that arguments, financial problems or illness are funny. Nevertheless, if you take them too seriously, you can become stuck in a sense of victimhood. By dwelling on the negative you encourage your inner brat to grumble and complain, to blame others and to engage in other self-destructive thoughts.
Research shows that people (more men than women) who are playful and who use humor in their relationships, report happier marriages than those who are more serious. This is understandable, considering how humor works.
Humor helps relationships in many different ways:
1. It helps ease tension. Properly applied, humor can deflate a tense argument.
2. It gives you a different perspective, which often shows you that things are not as bad as they seem. Shifting perspectives can also make you a more creative problem-solver.
3. It reduces stress. Laughter has both physical and mental benefits.
4. It helps reduce defensiveness and stubbornness in a conflict, by providing a non-blaming focus. When people are less defensive, they are able to resolve their differences more quickly with less damage.
5. It lightens the mood, which makes you more tolerant and willing to compromise.
6. It allows you to connect with your partner. This is especially true when you break the tension with something that you have both found amusing in the past, such as a facial expression or a familiar silly phrase. When you're both laughing at the same thing, you reaffirm your sense of we-ness.
7. It makes everyday interactions more playful and pleasurable.
Humor does not mean the same thing as telling jokes. In a relationship, humor involves the willingness to suspend judgment, to appreciate irony and to recapture a child-like playfulness, which helps prevent stress and tension. It is the ability to both be funny and to appreciate your partner's amusement.
Sometimes humor is misdirected. People who use sarcasm or ridicule are usually more interested in putting the other person down, than in constructive communication. When confronted by a partner whose feelings have been hurt, these people counter with, "I'm only kidding. Can't you take a joke?" If you frequently find yourself saying, "I'm only kidding," that means your so-called humor is coming from your inner brat rather than from your heart.
Humor can also be overused, e.g., when people kid around so much that they never take anything seriously. People who do this usually have some difficulty with intimacy. In any case, such constant kidding makes their partners feel trivialized.
############################################
My book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," takes a serious subject and presents it with gentle humor. You will notice how much easier it is to examine the worst parts of yourself when you take a humorous perspective.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~click here to go to Amazon.com: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1
-You can also order by telephone directly from the publisher (503) 531-8700. Ask for the "Friends and family" rate to receive a discount.
#############################################
*****************************
Inner Brats in the News
*****************************
Compared with 1996, the annual number of air rage incidents on Swissair last year increased from 285 to 471. This means that at least once every day there is an unruly passenger flying Swissair. The most frequent triggers of passenger rage include: smoking (113 cases), alcohol (101 cases) and arguments over seat allocation and luggage storage (45 cases). Flight attendants will receive more training on how to deal with unruly passengers.
========================================================
Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass are two journalists whose names have been in the news in recent weeks. While employed by prestigious publications, they plagiarized some stories and made up others. Not only did they profit from their plagiarism and fictionalization -- receiving promotions and awards during their employment -- but now they are drawing attention to themselves and profiting once again in the media with book deals, movies and TV guest spots. They each project a victim-like image and claim to want to help others through venting their transgressions in public.
=========================================================
A man in Australia is suing the private club that served him alcohol two years ago at a luncheon. After getting drunk the man fell down a flight of stairs and was injured. He contends that the club, by serving him too much alcohol, failed to exercise "reasonable care" in ensuring the patrons' safety.
=========================================================
For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
**************************************
Humor section: marital one-liners
**************************************
** There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
** Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence - a life sentence
** All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
** I asked my wife, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?" She said, "You know I'm no good at fractions."
--Rodney Dangerfield
************************************************************
Inner brat tip of the month: Humor as preventive maintenance
************************************************************
A useful skill for conflict resolution, humor helps keep the inner brat from ruining your relationship. It works best when you have already established a sense of playfulness with your partner. Here are some tips on incorporating humor into your everyday life:
1. Be physically affectionate. Try a light touch on the arm or a playful pat on the fanny (in private, so as not to embarrass) delivered with a smile. This serves as a momentary connection that draws you together.
2. Learn to notice amusing incidents in your everyday life, and share them with your partner. This has a double benefit. Not only does it give you the opportunity to smile together, but also the mindset of finding something funny to report puts you in a more positive mood all day.
3. Instead of criticizing your partner, poke fun at yourself. This gets their attention while minimizing their defensiveness. For example, suppose your partner is basically a safe driver but you are uncomfortable with some of his or her tactics. You've tried direct requests but they haven't helped. Next time you're in the car when your partner is driving, say something like, "I think my knuckles are permanently white;" or "Maybe I ought to take a crash course (pun intended) on keeping my mouth shut when you change lanes."
4. Gentle teasing is OK, but stay away from subjects that your partner is especially sensitive about. If you don't know what they are, they will become apparent. For example, if you get a hurt reaction when you try to make a humorous comment about your partner's looks or weight, then apologize and don't try it again.
5. When apologizing mention your inner brat. For example, "I guess my inner brat tried to win that round. I'm going to send it to its room." This helps you break the tension of the conflict, while still owning responsibility for your actions.
6. Be prepared for some trial and error in incorporating humor into your communications. If you and you partner are both committed to being more playful, you will be more likely to forgive misdirected humor.
7. Humor is typically an indirect way of communicating. Keep in mind that it is only one technique in maintaining a long-term relationship. It is not to be a substitute for in-depth discussions and major decisions.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
