|
|
Welcome to the February, 2003 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to mailto:innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
> In-laws and your inner brat
> Inner brats in the news
> How have you tamed your own inner brat?
> Inner brat tip of the month: Dealing with family friction
> Distribution information
This newsletter is hosted by Topica.com. Topica may include advertisements for unrelated products. I have no control over these ads, but they do help pay for the expenses of distribution, which keeps the newsletter free of cost to you.
****************************************
In-law relationships and your inner brat
****************************************
I was recently interviewed by CBS network’s “The Early Show”, talking about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships. No airdate has been set, probably due to more pressing priorities like the impending war with Iraq and the breaking news about Oscar nominations.
When CBS first approached me about the topic of in-laws, the first thing that came to mind was “Take my mother-in-law . . . please,” a variation on comedian Henny Youngman’s famous line. Have you noticed how much humor has been centered around this topic? That’s no coincidence. Humor is one way of dealing with issues that cause people emotional pain (which helps explain why jokes about the space shuttle started circulating within hours of its destruction.)
In-law relationships have been spoofed in various ways:
1. Jokes. Most jokes about mothers-in-law are told by male comedians. Here’s an example of one of the milder ones:
“My mother-in-law and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met each other.”
2. In TV shows like “All in the Family” and “Everybody Loves Raymond,” friction between in-laws is one of the main ongoing themes. Both these shows have been wildly popular. Want to take a guess why?
3. Now there is even a website devoted to in-law complaints: http://www.motherinlawstories.com. Here people (mostly women) post stories describing their frustrating experiences with controlling, critical or meddlesome mothers-in-law. There is also a page devoted to mother-in-law jokes.
In spite of all the stereotypes, however, research does NOT support the notion that the majority of in-law relationships are deeply troubled. In fact, married people describe in-law relationships in more favorable terms than do single people. This means that once people have actual experience with in-laws, the stereotypes fade away.
Nevertheless, when problems do exist, they can be quite serious, even though the issues themselves appear trivial. Here are some typical complaints:
“My husband’s mother comes over and cleans my house when I’m at work. I just know she’s trying to tell me that I’m a slob.”
“My wife’s mother is always making critical comments about me to other family members.”
“My mother-in-law always lets my kids eat too much candy and lets them stay up way too late when she babysits. Then she complains that I never let her see the kids!”
“My daughter-in-law takes it out on me whenever I ask my son to come over and fix something. I’m only asking for an hour of his time.”
Complaints like these are much more complex than they appear. They reflect deeper issues of loyalty, rejection, competition and self-esteem, especially when family is involved. The reason that these complaints reach such intense proportions is that they are based on jump-to-conclusion assumptions.
For example, if your mother-in-law says, “Here’s my recipe for chocolate cake. It’s Jim’s favorite,” you might assume, “Oh, so she thinks I can’t cook” or “She’s trying to tell me how to please my husband.”
Such an assumption can set off a whole series of inner brat thoughts and feelings of anger or revenge. You’ll be stewing in your own resentment long after the incident has passed. Not only will your inner brat will keep you miserable, but it will lead you to always assume that your in-laws have hostile motives, whether they actually do or not. Consequently, you will react to them with coldness, anger or defensiveness, and they will respond in kind.
You can break this cycle (and this applies to other relationships, not just in-laws) by recognizing that your inner brat can become so self-absorbed that it misinterprets all communication as criticism, interference or sabotage. Once you’re aware of this, the next step is to examine other possible reasons why your in-law may have said or done whatever it is you’re upset about. Chances are the answer won’t have much to do with you at all.
############################################
In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can read more about how to keep your inner brat's anger and rage under control.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~Click here to go directly to Amazon: http://shorterlink.com/?I5P5U1
-You can also order by telephone directly from the publisher (503) 531-8700. Ask for the "Friends and family" rate to receive a discount.
#############################################
*****************************
Inner Brats in the News
*****************************
Although most air-rage incidents are committed by passengers, flight attendants are becoming increasingly testy and rude, according to a recent survey conducted by American Express. Incidents include a flight attendant yelling at a passenger whose cell phone was beeping in an overhead bin; a flight attendant who refused pretzels to a passenger, retorting that he needed to watch his weight; a flight attendant who was so rude that the pilot had to make an emergency stop to remove her from the plane.
=========================================================
An 18-year-old father threw his newborn son into a park toilet because he and his girlfriend didn't want it. When the baby was found alive the father was tracked down and arrested. He claimed that he was sorry, but that he "had no choice" because he didn't want the baby.
=========================================================
A man who broke teeth and bridgework after biting into a bagel is suing his local McDonalds franchise that sold him the bagel. He is also suing for damages to his marriage. As a result of his injury, his wife allegedly "lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband."
=========================================================
For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
**************************************
How have you tamed your own inner brat?
**************************************
Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
********************************************************
Inner brat tip of the month: Dealing with family friction
********************************************************
Family friction is not limited to in-laws. Some people have the same kinds of problems with aunts, uncles and cousins. Here are some tips for dealing with whatever extended family conflicts you may encounter:
1. Don't spend a lot of time dwelling on how your relatives have hurt you in the past, or rehearsing how they might do so in the future. This only blows resentment out of proportion.
2. Instead of making assumptions about the other person’s motives, ask yourself whether there are alternate explanations for their comments or actions. Seek clarification from them, e.g., “You invited everyone to the birthday party except me. Was there a specific reason?” This might be uncomfortable for both of you, but if you will find out that it was an oversight on their part, you’ll let go of your resentment. (On the other hand, if they hem and haw and give excuses, you’ll know that your suspicions about them are probably correct.)
3. Respect and affection do not come automatically. They have to be earned, even from relatives. Don’t expect your relatives to find you wonderful and caring if that’s not how you treat them.
4. Get off the blame cycle. Instead of dwelling on what other people seem to be doing to you, look at how you are interpreting the situation. Maybe your inner brat is taking it way too personally.
5. Realize that most of your resentment is self-generated. It is a result of your inner brat – that immature part of yourself, a remnant of your 2-year-old self, which expects everyone else to conform to how you want things to be. You can change that, by recognizing your own bratty thoughts and feelings.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
