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Welcome to the December 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe. All they need to do is to send a blank email message to innerbrat-subscribe@topica.com.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
> Gifts that money can't buy
> Inner brats in the news
> How have you tamed your own inner brat?
> Inner brat tip of the month: Doing for others without feeling resentful
> Distribution information
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Gifts that money can't buy
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A couple of weeks ago Maya Angelou, the wise American poet, was being interviewed on TV. Her comments were a gentle reminder of certain basic human strengths and gifts:
"One of the things I've learned over the past 74 years is it takes courage to be kind . . . to be fair when it is not to your betterment, to be kind when it is so difficult and people around you are being unkind."
AND:
"Probably the most important lesson is to know that you have been loved. You may think that I could live and die and the world would never know I was even here. The truth is, to exist at all, you have been loved."
Both these comments are important to keep in mind during this season of gift buying. The best gifts are those that money can't buy: respect, consideration, unselfishness. These gifts are remembered long after store-bought ones have lost their punch.
People who have worked with me in psychotherapy often recall with appreciation their parents' sacrifices of time and energy, but no one has ever mentioned that the greatest thing that ever happened was receiving a new bike, a new videogame, or even a new car. Those TV commercials for diamonds have it all wrong. A diamond may be forever, but it doesn't go half as far to the heart as a consistent habit of kindness.
The MasterCard commercial is admittedly corny and irritating, but it nevertheless exemplifies the value of human-to-human connection. It points out the prices of various items within a specific theme, and then ends with a sentimental human experience, and the punch line: " . . . priceless."
In this holiday season it's very easy to caught up in the frenzy of shopping, cooking, obligatory parties and visits with our dysfunctional families. The inner brat looms just beneath the surface, ready to emerge, whining and grumbling at the slightest inconvenience or at the first hint of friction.
Don't bother telling your inner brat to be kind. It doesn't "do" kind. It exists to gratify its own desires and impulses, regardless of how it affects other people.
However, even though your inner brat continues its selfish ways, you still have a choice, through your rational self, to show kindness and consideration to others. As Maya Angelou said, this takes courage and is sometimes difficult.
Think about being kind as a "gift" that you give someone, to make them feel valued. You give this gift freely and willingly, without expecting anything in return. An immediate benefit for you is that you remain in a positive frame of mind, even when those around you are cranky.
A wonderful long-term benefit of being kind is that you will eventually feel more connected to others and loved by them. This won't happen with each act of generosity, but over time you will notice that you feel closer to those around you.
For example, I know someone who hates to attend church; nevertheless, she goes along with her husband and children simply because they asked her to. She doesn't pretend to believe the religious teachings, but she does go to services cheerfully.
Her inner brat may be whining in the back of her mind, "I don't WANNA go! It's going to be boring. I don't even believe most of that stuff." But this woman chooses to ignore those bratty objections. She reminds herself that her participation in the family's religious life is a gift that she gives voluntarily. She does not expect to have a wonderful time, nor even to be uplifted. But she does feel more connected to her family because they appreciate her presence.
For too long we have been bombarded with messages from the media and from self-help authorities, such as: Take care of yourself first. Time is too precious to be wasted on things you don't like to do.
Ask yourself whether it is worth "giving away" some of that precious time to people who may need it more than you do at the moment. It could be a gift that will be remembered and appreciated for years to come.
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In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can read more about how to quiet your inner brat's whining.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/qid%3D1015021163/sr%3D8-1/ ref%3Dsr%5F8%5F67%5F1/002-3648041-9748811 (if this link doesn't seem to work, highlight the whole link, including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the News
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The widely publicized lawsuit by 12 obese teenagers and their parents against McDonalds is a classic example of personal responsibility gone awry. They claim that the fast-food chain violated consumer fraud laws by failing to adequately disclose the health effects of its menu. They say that they didn't realize that a steady diet of burgers and fries would make the kids fat. One of the mothers said that she would never have let her son eat so many Big Macs if she'd known how much fat and salt they contained.
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An experimental study of employees at a large corporation found that they were almost all likely to steal small amounts of money after they were underpaid for participating in an after-hours project. This occurred less frequently if:
a) they worked in an office that had an employee ethics program, or
b) they thought the money came from their own managers rather than from the company.
This study demonstrates that ethics programs might help prevent employee theft. However, it is also a sad commentary that adults need such training.
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Jealous over her husband's alleged affair, a Singapore woman took a sledgehammer to 18 cars in the lot of a used car business that she and her husband own. "I hit first, then ask later," she said. She also defended her actions: "It is my shop, my cars, I can do what I like to them."
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For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
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Inner brat tip of the month: Doing for others without feeling resentful
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It's a nice gesture to do things for other people, but sometimes you can feel taken advantage of. This can breed resentment, as well as inner brat thoughts, such as: "Why do I always have to be the one to make allowances or to give in?"
Gifting of your time and attention is not the same as always putting yourself last. We're not talking here about being a martyr or a victim.
When you re-frame your thoughts so that you put yourself in another person's place, you feel empathy; you feel a connection. You don't feel resentful or obligated. To the contrary, you derive satisfaction knowing that you've made the other person feel acknowledged or special.
Here are some tips to get you started:
1. Show your appreciation with a thank-you, a smile or a hug (or all three.) It takes just a moment, but it can make a person’s day.
2. Practice a random act of kindness every day. Make this your "gift" to a stranger. For example, let someone in front of you in line. Hold a door open for someone. Smile and greet people you pass at work. These acts take only a few seconds or less, yet they can mean so much to the recipients.
3. There is no law or rule that says everything must be fun or productive. Inconvenience can be a pain, but it is never fatal. It's ironic that when you voluntarily sacrifice immediate convenience, you hardly feel bothered at all.
4. Write a note of appreciation to someone who is important to you. Don’t be surprised if that person keeps the note for years to come.
5. Advice columnist Ann Landers used to say, "No one can take advantage of your without your permission." If you feel taken advantage of, you have two choices: change your behavior or change your thoughts. To change your behavior, start turning down other people's requests. Do things for others as you see fit, not as they demand.
Or, to change your thoughts, state out loud to yourself that you are doing this favor for someone because you voluntarily choose to do it. Your inner brat may not like it, but it will get over it.
6. If you find yourself overextended with doing favors for people, ignore your inner brat's grumbling in the back of your mind. Fulfill your responsibility and chalk it up to experience. Decide how you’ll handle such a situation in the future. It's not worth sulking over.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
