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Welcome to the November, 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
> Get mad? Get even? or . . .
> Inner brats in the news
> How have you tamed your own inner brat?
> Inner brat tip of the month: How to let go of anger
> Distribution information
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Get mad? Get even? or . . .
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You may have heard the saying, "Don't get mad. Get even." On the surface that sounds like a cool-headed way to manage your anger. Instead of letting your emotions get the best of you, you should plot your revenge.
But is this sound advice? Think about it. On the one hand, you don't want to unleash that inner brat, with all its irrationality. If you do, it could get you into trouble, especially if you use your fists. At the very least, you'll end up saying things in anger that you later regret.
On the other hand, plotting revenge may not be such a good idea either. Sure, you're more rational this way, but while you're plotting, you are investing time and energy into something that may not be worth it in the end. Your inner brat is still prominent, making mountains out of molehills. The plotting keeps your anger alive and active.
For example, let's say you're driving along and someone cuts in front of you. You decide you're not going to let yourself get caught up in road rage, so you plan your attack carefully. You wait for an opening in the line of traffic, slide in front of the "culprit" and deliberately slow down such that the other driver is stuck behind you.
Or, consider this scenario: Someone has told you something that you later found out was a lie. It may not have been anything important, but you are annoyed that he could get away with making you look like a fool. So you might monitor this person, looking for inconsistencies, ready to "catch" him so that you can humiliate him, preferably in front of other people.
Every day people are confronted with minor annoyances such as these. Some people wallow in these annoyances, re-playing them over and over, and planning revenge in their minds. This is fertile ground for the inner brat to flourish.
A classic example of "getting even" was a running theme in the 1980 movie, "Caddy Shack" in which the groundskeeper, played by Bill Murray, made it his mission to kill the gopher that was tearing up the golf course. He became preoccupied with this, to the point where he used explosives, which caused more damage than the gopher did.
Another example was Inspector Javert in the novel, "Les Miserables." Javert spent his whole life tracking down Jean Valjean, who had stolen a loaf of bread as a young man.
Not only does dwelling on what bothers you and plotting revenge use up precious energy that you could be directing toward something positive and productive; but it is also bad for your health.
Hundreds of research studies have shown a link between stress and illness. If you spend energy on getting revenge over something trivial, you are adding another stressor to your already busy life. You may pay for it later with lowered resistance to colds, flu and more serious illness.
There is also a strong link between hostility and illness, especially heart disease. Just last week a new study was published by several researchers at respected universities and medical centers around the U.S. It showed that hostility was the most accurate predictor of heart disease -- even more than other risk factors such as high cholesterol, alcohol intake or smoking.
Therefore, unless you have been significantly harmed by another person, it's not worth getting mad. It's not worth getting even, either. The best thing is to let go of the anger completely.
For tips on how to do this, see the "Inner Brat tip of the month" section of this newsletter, below.
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In my book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can read more about how to put things into perspective so your inner brat stays in the background.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/qid%3D1015021163/sr%3D8-1/ ref%3Dsr%5F8%5F67%5F1/002-3648041-9748811 (if this link doesn't seem to work, highlight the whole link, including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the News
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The number of incidents of violence and abuse BY PATIENTS within British hospitals rose to 84,300, and increase of 20,000 in two years, according to a report titled, "Violence, Disorder and Incivility in British Hospitals." This has required hiring security, having on-site police stations, and equipping ambulance staff with flax jackets. Besides being violent, patients are increasingly rude. They use ambulances like taxis, talk on cell phones during medical procedures, have sex with visitors in full view of other patients, and act indignant when requested to curb their behavior.
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A soccer coach who yelled at his son during a game was reported to the soccer association, and was found guilty of using inappropriate language and harassment. He sued the association, claiming that his right to free speech was violated, and that as a result of the proceedings against him, he suffered "loss of enjoyment of life, humiliation, embarrassment and injury to reputation."
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For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
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Inner brat tip of the month: How to let go of anger
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Angry feelings can be quite destructive, and a major waste of time and energy when the irritant is trivial. Here are some tips for preventing anger (and your inner brat) from taking over:
1. Ask yourself, "Is this a temporary or momentary problem? Will it matter in a week?" This will help put things in perspective.
2. Take a couple of deep breaths. Think of someone whom you respect. Would that person react with intense anger in your situation? If not, that means that your inner brat is making a big deal out of nothing.
3. Assume you have a dollar's worth of energy today. Do you want to spend half of it on this incident? Or can you think of better ways to spend your energy?
4. Examine your assumptions. Are you upset because someone did not behave the way you expected them to? This is an irrational assumption. There is no law that says people have to conform to your expectations. In fact, you might as well assume that they won't.
5. Some people are jerks. Console yourself in the knowledge that the "jerkiest" ones reveal a lot more about themselves than about you when they behave badly.
6. Say to yourself out loud, "I choose to let this go." This helps remind you who is in control. Is it you? or your inner brat? Notice the feeling of relief when you consciously let go of your anger.
7. Instead of saying to yourself, "Don't get mad. Get even," repeat this saying: "The best revenge is living well." By doing this you will redirect your energies toward positive growth.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
