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Welcome to the October, 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to your friends and encourage them to subscribe.
If you have comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
>What makes parents beat their children?
>Inner brats in the news
>How have you tamed your own inner brat?
>Inner brat tip of the month: Deflect frustration and stay calmer
>Distribution information
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What makes parents beat their children?
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A few weeks ago TV news shows repeatedly aired the footage of a security-camera videotape of 25-year-old Madelyne Toogood beating her 4-year-old daughter in a car parked in a lot outside a department store in Indiana. Her attorney described her as “tremendous mother” who had just had a bad day.
I know many mothers who have bad days, but they don’t beat their children. This does not mean that they don’t THINK about beating their children, or that they get to the point where they could just strangle the little darlings . . . but they don’t do it.
Everyone gets angry and everyone has to struggle with the inner brat that just has the urge to punch or kick someone. Today I’m going to discuss what gets people to the brink of rage like that.
Much of the time it’s frustration. Frustration is defined here as interference with goal-directed activity. It also refers to not getting the result or reaction you expected. When that happens, you experience a physical reaction: the adrenalin starts pumping, your heart rate increases, and your blood pressure may rise. You also have an emotional reaction, most typically anger.
Over 60 years ago psychologists coined the term, “frustration-aggression” hypothesis. Essentially this means that frustration leads to aggression. This has been demonstrated in dozens of controlled experiments with both animal and human subjects. The theory has been refined over the years, adding the fact that aggression will most likely occur when
1. A person is very close to a goal
2. The goal is very important
3. The interference seems unjustified
4. The person takes it personally
5. The person has been aggressive or explosive in the past
Thus, if you're interrupted early in a project you don't feel as frustrated as when you’re almost done. If you're working on something important you're more prone to frustration than if you're just relaxing or doing busywork. Third, if you perceive that someone is deliberately trying to upset you, you become more frustrated and angry than if you view the transgression as unintentional.
Let’s speculate what might have been going through Madelyne Toogood’s mind. News reports stated that she had been trying to return something to the department store without a receipt, and the clerk would not give her a refund. This in itself was frustrating. Add the fact that her daughter had been running around the store, and Ms. Toogood had to be paged twice. Perhaps she interpreted her daughter’s behavior as deliberate defiance, and took it as a personal affront.
But why didn’t she hit her daughter right then and there in the store? She waited until she got to the car, and looked around to make sure no one was watching. Her behavior is consistent with research, which shows that people can curtail overt aggressive behavior if they believe that there will be strong, negative consequences.
Ms. Toogood stated that she had never hit any of her children like that before. She was probably lying. Given the physical force of the beating that she inflicted on her daughter, it is highly likely that she had done this in the past (See number 5 above.)
I said earlier that all parents get frustrated and feel angry, but most of them don’t beat their children. According the frustration-aggression hypothesis they should, right? Not necessarily. Aggression takes many forms. Some parents yell at their kids. Other parents slam doors or throw things. Still others cry or do something self-destructive.
The frustration-aggression hypothesis isn’t limited to parent behaviors. It is also evident in other situations, such road rage, air rage and desk rage; yelling at your boss, your employees or coworkers; blaming other people when things don’t go your way; and swearing when you make a mistake or when you can’t figure something out.
But explosion isn’t inevitable. Even though your inner brat wants to explode and urges you to explode, you don’t have to allow it to do so. It takes some effort, but each time you use common sense rather than react to your emotions in frustrating situations, you’ll find that it becomes easier the next time around.
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In my new book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can read more about how to keep your inner brat's anger and rage under control.
There are 4 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://www.innerbrat.com
~click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/qid%3D1015021163/sr%3D8-1/ ref%3Dsr%5F8%5F67%5F1/002-3648041-9748811 (if this link doesn't seem to work, highlight the whole link, including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the News
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A 40-year-old man was tormented for three years by a bully who lived in his apartment building. He complained to his landlord and to the police, but they said he had to have evidence. So he rigged up a videocamera pointing through a small hole in the wall from his apartment to the hallway. The bully was caught on tape calling the victim a "faggot" and saying he picked on him just because he could. He also threatened him with a machete. The bully has been sentenced to 2 years in prison.
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A mother of a teen is suing the school district because her daughter was not picked for the cheerleading team. She claims that the coach rigged the tryouts against the teen who had recently won a beauty pageant.
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For more stories about brats in the news visit my website
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to: http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
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Inner brat tip of the month: Deflect frustration and stay calmer
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Frustration cannot be avoided. Life doesn't always go smoothly, and things don't always turn out the way we want them to (even though the inner brat expects them to.) If you don't allow yourself to get too frustrated in the first place, you won't have to work so hard to contain your anger and aggressive impulses. The next time you are frustrated by interruptions, noise, mishaps, or when the world just doesn't seem to want to cooperate, try one of the following:
1. Most of life's problems are temporary. So your kids are whining; or you've just spent half an hour on the phone trying to get through a voice-mail maze. These and countless other frustrating situations will be a dim memory by tomorrow. Why waste mental energy on them now?
2. Find the humor or absurdity in the situation. This approach is especially useful for those days when everything seems to go wrong. Imagine how you'll tell the story weeks from now.
3. When other people (coworkers, children, parents, spouse, etc.) say or do things that get on your nerves, pretend you're watching a movie of them. This will help you stay objective, so that you don't have to take things so personally.
4. Assess your expectations. Are they realistic? For example, do you expect your children to always have common sense? Do you really expect everyone to be considerate and thoughtful all the time? Do you think that you shouldn't have to sit in traffic or wait in line? If you answered yes to any of these, you're setting yourself up for frustration.
5. Think of frustrations as challenges or obstacles. Some obstacles can be overcome. For these, make a quick plan. Other obstacles (e.g. something was irretrievably broken; your computer crashed; you missed a deadline) must just be accepted. Once you accept them, you'll feel calmer.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com