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Welcome to the May, 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers.
If anyone has comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
IN THIS ISSUE
>It’s not all your mother’s fault
>Inner brats in the news
>How have you tamed your own inner brat?
>Inner brat tip of the month: Letting go of grudges
>Distribution information
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It’s not all your mother’s fault
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In North America and many other countries it’s almost Mother’s Day: the second Sunday in May when we celebrate mothers just for being who they are. This is the day when we’re expected to honor mothers with flowers, candy and dinner out. And above all, we’re not supposed to think ill of our mother or to be angry with her.
But what about the rest of the year? I certainly don’t hear people waxing poetic about how wonderful mothers are. In fact, most people have ambivalent, contradictory feelings about their own mothers (and also fathers.) On the one hand, people feel emotionally attached to their mother. On the other hand, there are things about their mother that drive them crazy.
Except for some conservative groups who push the message that all mothers are naturally equipped to provide the best care and even the best education for their children, (a view, which, by the way is not supported by research), popular culture portrays mothers in a much less favorable light.
When a child gets into trouble with the law, the news media are quick to point the finger at bad mothering. In television sit-coms mothers are portrayed as clueless, over-emotional or shallow.
We also see hostility and ambivalence toward mothers in popular jokes. It is said that sarcastic or biting humor reflects true underlying feelings, but expresses it in a way that is easier to tolerate.
Mother-in-law jokes are based on the premise that these women are meddlesome or rejecting of their children’s spouses. Here’s a one-liner from Henny Youngman that reflects the response to this stereotype:
I just returned from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Jewish-mother jokes are even worse. They depict the mother-child relationship as quite unhealthy, with the son (it’s usually a son, for some reason) as infantile or else saddled with expectations to take care of his mother’s every need. The over-protective, as well as the long-suffering, guilt-inducing victim stereotypes are illustrated in the following humorous “Jewish haikus” (From David Bader: “Haikus for Jews”, Random House, 1999):
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?
The psychotherapy community has capitalized on these difficult relationships with one’s mother or one’s spouse’s mother. It’s common for a therapist to delve into your past in order to help pinpoint the origin of your problems.
However, when you start digging into your childhood, it’s all too tempting to blame your mother or your father for how you’ve turned out. Back in the 1970’s and 1980’s when the culture of victimhood was at its peak, parents got blamed for just about everything, including problems with addictions, with depression or with relationships.
Unfortunately, such blaming left many people stuck in self-defeating patterns of thinking and behavior. After all, if they had all these problems because of their past, (which couldn’t be undone,) there was little hope for them. They developed strong, outspoken inner brats that whined incessantly, but could not come up with solutions.
This must have been the inspiration for the song, “Get Over It” by The Eagles (1994). Here’s a short excerpt from the lyrics:
“Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick its little ass.
Get over it. . .Get over it. . .”
If your inner brat dwells on what your parents did to you, or didn’t do for you, you too will continue to feel stuck and hopeless. Everyone is a product of their past, but your past is much more than your relationship with your parents. It also includes your biological temperament, your experiences outside the family, and the assumptions that you made about the world while you were growing up.
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In my new book, “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior,” you can learn more about the inner brat and how to control it. You can read more about the cultural conditions that gave rise to the explosion of victimhood and entitlement.
There are 3 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://innerbrat.com, or click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/qid%3D1015021163/sr%3D8-1/ ref%3Dsr%5F8%5F67%5F1/002-3648041-9748811 (if this link doesn’t seem to work, highlight the whole link, including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the news
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There are always new brats in the news. Here are three lawsuits that highlight the “It’s not my fault” excuse:
The former "Winston Man" who appeared in cigarette ads over 20 years ago, is now suing the tobacco company for $65 million. He claims he "had to endure long episodes of remorse and guilt, particularly knowing that many people may have died as a result of his participation in the promotion of a product which he did not know was dangerous or deadly." [Washington Times] Incidentally, the Surgeon General's warning started appearing on cigarette packs in the mid 1960's.
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A 19-year-old recently filed a lawsuit with the manufacturer of baseball bats. Two years ago, as a high school pitcher, he got hit in the head when the batter hit the ball toward the pitcher's mound. His lawsuit alleges that the bat maker "failed to adequately warn foreseeable users of the Bat and those persons, including baseball pitchers like Hannant, who could reasonably be affected by the Bat, of the danger of serious bodily injury in that the Bat, as designed and constructed, could cause the baseball to be propelled with such velocity that when hit directly towards a pitcher it does not allow the pitcher sufficient reaction time to avoid being struck." [Chicago Tribune]
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Meredith Berkman filed a $50 million class action lawsuit against the maker of cheese-coated corn puff and rice puff snacks. She claims that because of their mislabeling of the fat gram content as less than it actually was, she suffered damages, including: "exposure to high-fat, high-calorie food, weight gain, mental anguish, outrage and indignation." The company attributed the mislabeling to new machinery and now lists the correct nutritional inforomation on the packages. [NY Post]
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Read about these and other brats in the news at
http://www.drwallin.com/news.shtml
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats. Here’s one from a reader in California, who posted a review on the Amazon book site:
This book has changed my life. I now realize that my "inner brat" has been in control of the way I react and think for most of my adult life instead of me. I have struggled with initimate relationships, because of this behavior. The information provided by Paulin Wallin is very useful and it can put you in control of the way you think and react to emotional triggers instead of your inner brat. Anyone who exibits self destructive behavior will want to read this book.
Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to:
http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
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Inner Brat Tip of the month: Letting go of grudges
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Holding a grudge . . . If you think about it, that phrase is quite descriptive. Just picture yourself holding on tightly to something from the past and gripping it with all your might. As long as you hold onto it, you will not only make yourself miserable; you might also compromise your health. Studies have shown that thinking about how someone has done you wrong will actually elevate your heart rate and blood pressure, as well as make your musles tense. Repeated thinking about your grudge can also lead to cardiovascular problems and can interfere with healing.
Now that you have a good reason for letting go of grudges, here are some tips on how to do so:
1. Think of a grudge as your inner brat complaining about something not being fair, or about someone who didn’t behave as you would have expected. This grudge gives your inner brat POWER over your normally rational self. You don’t have to allow your inner brat to have such power.
2. Ask yourself what your are accomplishing by holding on to your resentment or anger. I bet it will be hard to think of any beneficial reason. In fact, you may see more clearly how your inner brat is robbing you of energy and calmness by keeping the grudge active.
3. Make actual contact with the person with whom you’ve long been angry. It is not always necessary to address your anger with that person, especially if you realize that your inner brat has been making a big deal of something minor. Instead, just start up an informal conversation, either face-to-face or by phone or email. Research has shown that contact with others helps reduce prejudice toward them -- and a grudge is a form of prejudice, albeit a more personal one.
4. Make a conscious decision to forgive. Forgiving is not the same as giving in or losing something; nor is it an acceptance of what happened. It is a generous act of mercy.
5. And if you say, “I can forgive but I can’t forget,” that means you won’t forgive because your inner brat won’t let you forget. Of course you’re not going to have amnesia for what happened, but neither should you allow your inner brat the indulgence of bringing up the memory over and over. That will interfere with your forgiveness, and will keep you miserable in the process.
6. Forgiveness and letting go of grudges is especially hard when it comes to your parents or children, because you have higher expectations for them than for anyone else. It will take considerably more effort to forgive them than to forgive a coworker or casual friend. Nevertheless, the rewards will be much greater.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
