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Welcome to the April, 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If anyone has comments or questions, feel free to email me at
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IN THIS ISSUE
>The proliferation of rudeness and incivility
>Inner brats in the news
>How have you tamed your own inner brat?
>Inner brat tip of the month: Recognize rudeness for what it is -- the other person's inner brat
>Distribution information
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The proliferation of rudeness and incivility
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Last week the research group, Public Agenda, released the results of a USA nationwide survey, titled “Aggravating Circumstances: A Status Report on Rudeness in America.” Not surprisingly, 79% of the respondents in the survey said that people are less considerate and more selfish in general. They described disrespect, lack of consideration and rudeness as serious, pervasive problems.
Here are some other findings of the study (and I know you won’t be surprised):
~ Geography and socioeconomic status made little difference. That is, respondents in northeastern states expressed about the same opinions as those in southern states. Also, people in small towns reported the same rates of rudeness as those in cities. Responses of rich people were not much different from those of poor people.
~ 61% believed that rude and selfish behavior has increased on highways, in stores and at airports. Almost half the respondents reported that they walked out of stores because of poor service. 58% complained about rude drivers.
~ Other common complaints included: people talking loudly on cell phones in public; offensive language; out-of-control parents at children’s sporting events.
~ Despite complaining about the public in general, 64% of the people surveyed said that their own neighbors were friendly and helpful.
~ 39% of people described work colleagues as rude (This is much lower than that reported in a recent study of workplace incivility, which found that 79% of people had experienced rudeness from others.)
~ Most respondents conceded that people were more thoughtful and caring after September 11, but didn't expect it to last. And, from this survey, which was completed in January 2002, they seem to be right.
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~ NOW HERE’S THE KICKER:
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Recall that 79% said that people in general have become more rude and disrespectful. BUT ONLY 41% OF THE RESPONDENTS ADMITTED BEING RUDE THEMSELVES. I’m no statistical whiz, but these figures reflect the inner brat attitude: i.e., other people are rude, but my behavior is justified. It’s always easier to see someone else’s inner brat than your own.
**** You can read the complete report of this survey at http://www.publicagenda.org/. If you register at the site you can download all 60 pages of it.
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In my new book, "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior," you can learn more about the inner brat and how to control it. You can also learn to recognize other people’s inner brats – which sometimes makes it less stressful to deal with them.
There are 3 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://innerbrat.com, or click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/drwallincom-20/107-8603571
8089358 (if this link doesn't seem to work, highlight the whole link,
including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste
it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the news
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Talk about poor customer service: Stephanie Coleman, 21, was charged with assault after she repeatedly stabbed a customer in the forehead with a ballpoint pen. Apparently, they had been arguing over the customer's order, with Coleman shouting profanities prior to the stabbing. The victim required stitches.
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Italy's highest appeals court rejected a father's plea to stop supporting his 30-year-old son, a law school graduate. Giuseppe Andreoli, a wealthy former parliamentarian has been paying $680 per month to his son; the young man also has a sizable trust fund. The high court stated: "You cannot blame a young person, particularly from a well-off family, who refuses a job that does not fit his aspirations. The parents have to pay for their upkeep."
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31 engineering students at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada were caught plagiarizing essays by copying major sections (and in one case the whole document, except for four words) from the Internet. The essay topic was ethics.
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Read about these and other brats in the news at
http://www.innerbrat.com/news.shtml.
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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I hadn’t heard from anyone in a while. Then I noticed that the link I had provided was wrong. It’s corrected below.
Have you been successful in catching those bratty moments so that they don’t expand into episodes? If so, I’d like to hear from you, and will post it at my website. You can remain anonymous. Either write to me at mailto:innerbrat@innerbrat.com or go to: http://drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
There, you can also read about how other people tamed their inner brats.
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Inner Brat Tip Of The Month:
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RECOGNIZE RUDENESS FOR WHAT IT IS -- THE OTHER PERSON’S INNER BRAT
When someone is rude or inconsiderate toward you, it’s quite common to take this personally, and to have the urge to retaliate. But wait. If this person is a stranger, e.g., a driver behind you on the road, a shopper or clerk in a store, or someone in a restaurant at the next table talking loudly on a cell phone . . . it's quite likely that the person is not singling you out. In other words, the rude person’s behavior is a product of his or her own inner brat, which has very little to do with you.
This implies both good news and bad news. The good news is that once you remove yourself from the situation, the problem disappears. Also, rude people’s behavior reveals more about themselves than about you.
Which brings me to the bad news: Since it’s more about them than about you, you don’t have much control over other people’s rude or inconsiderate behavior.
Nevertheless, you can limit its effect on you. Here are some tips:
1. If someone butts in front of you in line or tailgates you on the highway, let them in. But at the same time say to yourself, “Better to have him in front of me rather than behind me. That way he’ll be out of my sight a little sooner.” By finding something positive to say about the situation, you keep your own inner brat from acting up and adding to your frustration.
2. Remind yourself that rude behavior is temporary. If you dwell on how you’ve been mistreated by a thoughtless store clerk, you only prolong the bad feeling. Let it go.
3. If your have to work with a rude person, don’t waste time anticipating how she is going to behave next. That only engages you in a series of hypothetical rude exchanges. Remind yourself, “I’ll deal with her when I have to, but I’m not going to waste my brain cells preparing for her in advance or dwelling later on what she said."
4. Better yet, disarm a rude coworker by being mildly complimentary or by doing him a favor. (I say “mildly” complimentary because if you go overboard it will come across as phony and it may backfire.) When you compliment someone or do him a favor before he can be rude to you, this destabilizes the relationship just enough that his inner brat may be stopped in its tracks, at least temporarily.
Here’s how one individual used a destabilizing tactic to turn rudeness upside down:
In his book, “Life Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This,” Rabbi Robert Alper described what he did when, while on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, a rude driver kept tailgating him, passing him, and cutting in front of him, forcing him to slow down. This went on for several miles. When Alper got off at the next exit, he noticed that the tailgater was following him to the tollbooth.
He writes, “I contemplated my options. . . I took a final look at the grim face in the rearview mirror, and then I did it. I paid his toll.” Later the other driver caught up to him and smiled, with a hand gesture of thanks. I'd like to think that he spent at least the next few minutes realizing in some sense that his inner brat had got the best of him that day.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
