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Welcome to the February, 2002 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Welcome, new readers. If anyone has comments or questions, feel free to email me at
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IN THIS ISSUE
>The inner brat and your relationships
>Inner brats in the news
>How have you tamed your own inner brat?
>Inner brat tip of the month: Keep your inner brat out of the relationship
>Distribution information
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The inner brat and your relationships
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If you were to believe everything you see and hear in the media regarding Valentine's Day, you'd think that the most important thing about expressing your love is picking out the perfect gift: chocolates, flowers, diamonds . . .
Hey, I'm all for chocolate and other gifts, but not according to a calendar. Wouldn't you rather get something as a surprise some random Wednesday afternoon instead of the obligatory card and flowers on a designated day?
Besides, Valentine's Day gifts is not what love is all about. Love is much more complex than flowers and chocolates. Social psychologists have been studying interpersonal attraction and love for almost four decades, and they still haven’t figured it out completely. What is known, however, is that love relationships are multi-dimensional.
For the long haul, the most important thing is being good friends: supporting one another, laughing at each other’s jokes even though you’ve heard them dozens of times. It is also important to feel a sense of *equity*, which means that partners feel that, on average, they are each getting about as much as they’re giving. A third important ingredient is *investment* of time, material possessions and emotions. This is similar to the concept of commitment.
Notice that sexual attractiveness and good looks are not listed above. A recent study of middle aged college graduates indicated that good-looking people, on average, were no more satisfied with their marriages or with their lives, than were plainer people. Money and career success are also low on the scale of happiness among couples who have been together for a long time.
What many happy couples have in common is that they have tamed their own inner brats. In his book, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" (Fireside, 1995) relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. describes four destructive communication styles among couples whose marriages are in trouble: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal.
Don't these sound like inner brat behaviors? When you nag your partner with criticism or when you give them the "silent treatment" this is your inner brat. Internally, it's saying something like, "I'm going to make my partner's life miserable because he or she doesn't do things exactly the way I want." When you respond to their constructive criticism with something like, "Oh yeah? What about the time you . . . ?!" this is your inner brat saying that they have no right to find fault with you. When you criticize your mate in front of friends, it's just your inner brat's way of trying to get attention and look important.
At the point where arguments turn into shouting matches or verbal or physical cruelty, your inner brat is in full control. And you'll regret it later.
Dr. Gottman notes that arguing isn't necessarily bad, especially if you avoid the four destructive tactics listed above. Couples who wait until they calm down to discuss differences, who show respect for one another's point of view, and who minimize their own defensiveness are the most likely to resolve their conflicts.
One other point that Dr. Gottman found from his research: Marriages that work well have one thing in common: the willingness of the husband to give in to the wife. Yes, stand-up comedians have made this point countless times in their routines. Now we know that not only is it funny, it's also true. ;-)
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In my new book, “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior”, you can learn more about the inner brat and how to control it. Find out more about the different personalities of your inner brat, and how they intrude on your goals and your relationships.
There are 3 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://innerbrat.com, or click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/drwallincom-20/107-8603571
8089358 (if this link doesn’t seem to work, highlight the whole link,
including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste
it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
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Inner Brats in the news
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This month's grand prize for inner brats with a sense of entitlement goes to Enron executives who enriched themselves by selling company stock while telling employees to buy, knowing that the company was in deep trouble. Even after Enron declared bankruptcy, the executives continue to build luxury homes and travel on the company jet planes. They don't even have the decency to reimburse employees who had paid in advance for on-site daycare, and who lost this money when the company folded.
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Lisa Bonder Kirkorian, 36, has petitioned the California court for $320,000 per month in child support from her ex-husband, for her three-year-old daughter. The father, billionaire Kirk Kerkorian, 84, had already been paying $50,000 and sometimes $75,000 per month. The couple had been married only one month. Among the so-called *monthly* expenses are: $144,000 for travel, $2500 for movies, $5900 for restaurant meals, $1000 for toys. Mrs. Kerkorian justified these expenses as necessary to keep the child in the manner to which she has become accustomed. After all, her first birthday party alone cost $70,000. Of course all of this has nothing to do with the fact that as part of her divorce agreement, Mrs. Kerkorian agreed not to seek any money for herself in the form of spousal support . . .
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A 60-year-old Ohio man complained that the Whopper he ordered didn't look anything like the one pictured on the Burger King billboard. Not only did he throw the sandwich at the restaurant manager (he missed); he also called the police. When they arrived they got him a refund and escorted him out of the restaurant. He was told by the manager not to return.
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Read about these and other brats in the news at
http://www.innerbrat.com/news.shtml.
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How have you tamed your own inner brat?
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Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats.
Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to:
http://drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
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Inner Brat Tip Of The Month: Keep your inner brat out of the relationship
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Conflict in relationships can be constructive, but for most people it causes much stress. The key is to make sure that the conflict does not escalate out of control. That means keeping your inner brat in check. Here are some strategies you can try in your next disagreement:
1. When tension builds during a disagreement, you can become overwhelmed with emotion, which not only interferes with rational thinking, but also escalates the disagreement into a destructive conflict. So take a break and calm yourself. Do some deep breathing, take a walk or do the dishes. Mentally tell yourself that you're taking a time-out. If your inner brat grumbles in the background, remind it that YOU are the boss and focus on something else for a while.
2. When confronting your partner, stay low-key. Avoid dramatic displays which only give your inner brat more air time than it deserves.
3. Approach the argument with the goal of reaching some kind of resolution. If all you want to do is complain, wait until you've calmed your inner brat and you're ready to negotiate.
4. Stay on topic. Don't wander off on tangents. Tangents indicate that your inner brat is trying to avoid facing its own shortcomings.
5. Acknowledge the other person's point of view. Don't interrupt. Don't start preparing your rebuttal as soon as the other person starts to speak. Truly listen.
6. Break the tension with gentle humor. Bring up a private joke or a humorous phrase that's familiar to both of you. Just be sure you don't speak in a mocking or condescending tone.
6. Be the first to say "I'm sorry" or "I overreacted." It takes courage, but such simple words can make a huge difference.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
