|
|
Welcome to the November, 2001 issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to email me at
.
IN THIS ISSUE
>Your inner brat and the holidays
>Inner brats in the news
>How have you tamed your own inner brat?
>Inner brat tip of the month: Keep your inner brat out of family gatherings
>Distribution information
*************************************
Your inner brat and the holidays
*************************************
This year, in the wake of the September 11 attacks, the holiday season takes on extra significance. Winter festivities have always been a time for family, but now people really want to make it special. They’re saying to themselves, “I want this year’s family gathering to be harmonious and joyful. I don’t want a repeat of previous years’ petty squabbles that escalate into major conflicts.”
But it won’t happen just by wishing for it. It’s going to take some work, because family gatherings are the perfect environment for the inner brat. No matter how old you are, or how professional and sophisticated you may appear to others, with your family you often regress into a petulant or oppositional child. You might never behave this way *except* in the presence of family members.
This is because situational cues (i.e., the presence of the people you grew up with) evoke certain feelings and responses from you. These responses originated in your childhood, and were repeated over the years. If you are the senior generation in your family, the children of your siblings and cousins will tend to evoke similar feelings in you that their parents did years ago.
Situational cues have even more of a hold on you when the family home that you now visit was the one you grew up in. Not only do you react to the words and behaviors of the people, but you also react to the surroundings: familiar smells, the creak on the steps, the food in the cupboards, etc. When you encounter these familiar cues, you react in old familiar ways -- some of which may be quite immature. In other words, these cues can trigger your inner brat.
Since the inner brat is the immature part of yourself that is associated with early childhood, and since current family encounters evoke childhood memories and behaviors, then it follows that current family encounters will also trigger your inner brat.
Old sibling rivalries, unresolved feelings of anger or resentment toward parents, and buried insecurities are all closer to the surface when you’re back in the family home. Thus, you’re not only reacting to family members in the present, but you’re also reacting to past tensions. Your inner brat tends to overreact. Instead of behaving like a mature adult you might find your inner brat taking over. You’ll know it’s there when you start getting angry at the slightest provocation, or when you complain about things not being fair. You’ll also recognize its presence when you eat, drink or smoke more than you you know is good for you.
However, if you recognize these tendencies within yourself, you can deflect them (see below, under “Inner Brat tip of the month”). If you see other family members acting in a bratty manner, there’s not much you can do to control them, but you don’t have to allow yourself to be drawn into their complaints or provocations.
############################################
In my new book, “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior”, you can learn more about the inner brat and how to control it. With the holidays coming up, everyone’s inner brat is going to be challenged more than usual. This book is a timely source of guidance, for both yourself and to give as a gift.
There are 3 ways to buy this book:
~Visit your local bookstore
~Order online from my web site, http://innerbrat.com, or click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/drwallincom-20/107-8603571
8089358 (if this link doesn’t seem to work, highlight the whole link,
including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste
it to your browser URL window.)
~Order by telephone directly from the publisher toll-free: 800-284-9673
#############################################
**************************
Inner Brats in the news
**************************
A father and coach of his7-year-old son’s flag football team in Florida, was arrested on a battery charge when he ran onto the field and punched the referee. Such behavior is bad enough, but this man is head of the local chapter of “Mad Dads”, a group that promotes non-violence.
===================================================
When two office workers in a Montreal office building got into an altercation about whether the elevator should be going up or down, one of them attacked the other with pepper spray. The pepper spray seeped into several floors of the building, each time the elevator stopped. The building had to be partially evacuated and firefighters were called to the scene.
================================================
In Phoenix a man who was told to put out his cigarette on a Greyhound bus, tried to exit the bus, which was traveling 70 miles per hour. When the door did not open, he grabbed the steering wheel from the bus driver. The ensuing scuffle caused the bus to go off the pavement and roll over on its side, injuring 33 passengers.
Read about these and other brats in the news at
http://www.innerbrat.com/news.shtml.
**************************************
How have you tamed your own inner brat?
**************************************
Read stories of people who are working on taming their inner brats.
Contribute your own story. You can remain anonymous. Go to:
http://www.drwallin.com/innerbrat_contrib.shtml
********************************************************
Inner Brat tip of the month: Keep your inner brat out of family gatherings
********************************************************
If you want to stay calm and have more fun with your family this holiday season, keep your inner brat under control. Here are some tips:
1. Check your expectations: If you begin grumbling to yourself about various family members weeks before the get-together, you’re giving your inner brat a head start. By the time the event actually happens, you will be full of old resentments and anxieties. On the other hand, if you tell yourself that you are voluntarily attending this event, and that it may not be perfect but at least it’s time-limited, you will be more relaxed.
2. Prior to visiting your family, practice some simple relaxation skills such as slow, deep breathing or pleasant visualization. If you find yourself getting tense at the event, take a short time-out to relax and get yourself centered again.
3. When family members insult or offend you, remind yourself that such behavior reveals more about them than about you. The very behavior that irks you is probably coming from their inner brats.
4. Mentally detach yourself from conflict. Imagine that this is a movie of your family and that you are watching it on a big screen. This will keep your inner brat out of the conflict.
5. Use humorous exaggeration. For example, say to yourself, “This moment is the absolute worst thing that ever happened to anybody.” By noting the absurdity of your statement, you’ll see things in a more realistic light.
6. Don’t give into your inner brat’s demands for more food or alcohol. Just because it wants it doesn’t mean it MUST have it. Remember, you’re in charge, not your inner brat.
7. Most of all, remember that your family squabbles are nothing compared to hardships that other people in the world must endure. Keep them in perspective.
Until next month,
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
