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June, 2001
Welcome to the first issue of the Inner Brat Newsletter. Future issues will be sent out monthly. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to email me at .
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Where does the inner brat come from?
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Everyone has an inner brat. It’s the self-centered, impatient, and demanding part of you that used to dominate your life when you were very, very young. The inner brat is a remnant of your 2-year-old self. Back then, you were very self-centered. Life revolved around YOUR needs. No one expected you to understand that your wants and needs couldn’t always be satisfied immediately. If your parents did their job well, they trained you to wait and to share, but at that age you didn’t really understand why it was important. At 2 years old, you were also quite impulsive. If an idea popped into your head -- for example -- “I wonder what will happen if I keep unrolling this toilet paper” -- you just went ahead and did it, without giving much thought to the consequences of your actions.
If you’re like most people, you eventually learned to think before you act, at least most of the time. You also learned to take turns, to save money and to make sacrifices for the sake of others. But every once in a while it seems that you say or do something that you know is detrimental to yourself or to your relationship with someone else. For example, you might sneak that cigarette after you’ve promised yourself that you’ll quit smoking. Or your might buy that chocolate sundae, rationalizing that you’ll exercise it off tomorrow (which you never do.) Or perhaps you get furious over something minor.
What’s going on here? Why do you lose control? Mental health professionals call such behavior “impulsive.” This means that you do it pretty much without thinking. However, even though you don’t necessarily think about such behaviors in words, you are still processing thoughts at some level in your mind. This processing is often just below your level of awareness. But if you stop to analyze what’s going through your head, you will discover a great deal of mental activity.
Your inner brat is often at the center of this activity. It wants what it wants when it wants it. And it feels *entitled* to have it. If it sees someone eating a big slurpy ice-cream cone, it wants one too. If it sees actors on TV enjoying their beers, it’s gotta have one also. If it finds itself inconvenienced or bothered by anything or anyone, it has to fight back. And it will do whatever it takes to convince, coerce or manipulate you into doing what it wants.
Everyone has an inner brat, but it is stronger in some people than in others. Those with a strong inner brat don’t often realize the degree to which they are dominated by their need for immediate gratification or immediate relief from discomfort. They don’t know that they have control over how they feel. Instead, they blame circumstances and other people whenever something goes wrong in their lives. They also tend to make mountains out of molehills, especially over small annoyances. People with strong inner brats whine and complain. They feel victimized and are often plagued by chronic discontent. No matter what you do for a person with a strong inner brat, it will never be enough.
If you’re one of those people, don’t despair. There is hope. The first step is to recognize that you do have an inner brat. Train yourself to be alert to when you’re being bratty. You’ll find that you immediately become more objective and rational, and that you can make adjustments.
Future issues of this newsletter will describe some specific strategies for recognizing and taming your inner brat. For now, just remember that you are stronger than your inner brat. Just because you *want* that cigarette or that brownie, doesn’t mean you *have* to have it. Just because someone made you angry doesn’t mean you *must* get into a shouting match. Those feelings of “I want it now” and “I can’t stand it” are just your inner brat talking. Keep that in mind next time you feel yourself losing control. Are you going to let a 2-year-old mentality get the better of you?
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In my new book, “Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide to Transforming Self-defeating Behavior”, you can learn more about the inner brat and the various ways it tries to sabotage your best efforts to exercise self control. To order visit my web site http://innerbrat.com, or click here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1582700508/drwallincom-20/107-8603571-8089358 (if this link doesn’t seem to work, highlight the whole link, including the part that wraps to the next line; then copy it and paste it to your browser URL window.)
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INNER BRAT TIP OF THE MONTH
Summer’s here, a time when more people are out driving on the roads and highways. This means more traffic congestion and more frustration for everyone who’s trying to get to their destination. When you have to sit in traffic or follow a pokey driver, don’t allow your self-serving inner brat to take over the wheel. Tailgating and honking your horn will not get you to there any faster. Cursing under your breath - or worse, making rude gestures to the other driver -- are only going to make you more frustrated and angry. Instead, view the problem in perspective. What’s the worst thing that will happen if you arrive at your destination 5 or 10 minutes later? Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week? or even in an hour?” Probably not. To let go of your frustration, distract yourself by listening to the radio or by chatting with your driving companion. You’ll find that the time passes more quickly and your inner brat will settle down.
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
http://www.innerbrat.com
