Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.


Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-Defeating Behavior


The following are excerpted passages from the book. To order, click here.

Deep within the recesses of our psyches there resides a brat. We all have a brat inside of us, remnants of our childhoods. This brat is responsible for much of what we hate most about ourselves. Let me explain....

While most of us would like to think of ourselves as rational beings who behave logically and have control over our emotions, this is not always the case. We do sometimes lose our tempers, give in to temptation, or say things we later regret. At such times we tend to blame other people or situations. For example, we convince ourselves that we got angry because someone provoked us; or we just couldn't resist the delicious-looking dessert that was calling our name; or we couldn't start working on the income tax return because the kids were too noisy or because we had a head cold. If these sound like excuses to you, they are. Think how dejected you'd feel if every time you didn't live up to your ideal performance you blamed your weak will, your selfish streak or your short temper. It's much easier to think of reasons outside of yourself to account for your decisions and behavior, even when the reasons don't fully make sense. After all, you've been provoked countless times before, and did not lose your temper. You've resisted dozens of delicious desserts in the past without a twinge of regret. And when April 14th rolled around, you got to the taxes, noisy children, stuffy head cold and all.

No, it's not the situation or other people that makes you say or do things that you later regret. It's a much stronger force, a force so compelling that it seems to have a life of its own. When this force is in control you might even feel that you're not your "normal" self. It's not the "real" you who loses your temper or succumbs to temptation or laziness. It's something inside you, but not the you.

"This inner force acts like an immature, spoiled child who demands immediate attention and satisfaction - a brat. A brat wants what it wants, when it wants it, and doesn't care who or what is hurt or destroyed in the process. A brat also relentlessly refuses to do what it doesn't like, regardless of the consequences. All a brat cares about is itself and taking care of its own immediate needs as quickly as possible.

If you find yourself acting like a brat more often than you'd care to admit, you're not alone. Everyone, even the most educated, wise and reasonable people behave in bratty ways. You've seen bratty behavior in your parents, in your bosses and even in your sports heroes and community leaders once in a while. Some people are aware of such behavior within themselves, but many are not.

Emily


Emily arrived at my office distraught. It had happened again. Her husband had forgotten to phone and tell her he was going to be late. By the time he came home, she was in such a rage that she called him every name in the book and threatened him with divorce. She was now into her sixth psychotherapy visit. By this point she had learned how her childhood had shaped her view of the world. Her mother's volatile temper was something that she remembered all too well, and she recalled having vowed to herself that she would never behave the way her mother had. Nevertheless, here she was, yelling at her husband and kids over minor issues, only to regret it later. Moreover, just like her mother, she could not bring herself to apologize after losing her temper. "I know I should count to 10 when I get angry, or sometimes even 100," she said, "but something happens inside me. It's like an overpowering urge to hurt the person I'm mad at. I know what I should do and say, but for some reason, I can't control myself. I must be crazy or something."

Emily isn't crazy. She is a well-respected professional in the community, with considerable experience in helping others. People come to her for advice. "If they only knew . . . " she mused. The majority of the time Emily is reasonable and approachable. But occasionally, when her emotional hot buttons get pushed, she seems to turn into an angry five-year-old, complete with foot stamping, name calling and irrational screaming. Unfortunately, these episodes are taken out on the people she cares about most - her family.

Kellie


Kellie knows her inner brat too well. She is almost always on a diet. She jokes that she has lost 250 pounds, although it's the same 10 pounds twenty-five times over. Starting a diet is no problem for her. In her job as a fitness trainer, it is vital that she appear healthy and trim. When the bulges in her leotard can no longer be hidden by control-top panty hose, she takes diet pills and goes all out on a starvation/exercise marathon that lasts about three weeks. While preaching the importance of healthy moderation to her clients, Kellie is privately stressing her body by drastic calorie reduction and over-zealous workouts. She gets fast results, but needs a lot of makeup to hide the lines of fatigue on her face. During the process of dieting she is relentless in her self-discipline. Although her inner brat tries to remind her how good chocolate tastes, she doesn't pay attention. The diet pills relieve her of the feeling of hunger (even though they do make her a little edgy) and her three-hour per day exercise regimen leaves her too tired to do much else besides work and sleep.

Kellie's problem with her inner brat begins after she loses her ten pounds, stops taking the diet pills and resumes her normal schedule. Usually after her weight loss, she makes a promise to herself not to let the pounds creep back again. She vows to eat a healthy diet, avoid junk food, and exercise in moderation, just as she recommends to her clients. But first, after those weeks of Spartan deprivation, Kellie feels entitled to a little treat. This is where her inner brat makes its appearance. It reminds her of all the calories she burned in the last couple of weeks, and assures her that a few more cookies won't affect her weight. Since it takes about 3600 excess calories to gain a pound of body weight, Kellie listens to her inner brat and agrees that she can eat several cookies without guilt. Now her inner brat has its hold on her. For the next several days, it reminds her of her recent deprivation, persuading her to eat more and more junk food. Her inner brat loves anything greasy, salty and sweet. If all three of those qualities are in a single food, so much the better.

Eventually Kellie notices that she's gained a couple of pounds. "Not to worry," rationalizes her inner brat, "it's just temporary water weight." But this water weight seems to hang around longer than expected. Soon Kellie's inner brat convinces her to stop weighing herself. Her ten-pound cycle is underway again.

The inner brat constitutes a set of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that have been with you since very early in your childhood. They didn't get there by accident; in fact, at one time they probably served a useful purpose. But these bratty thoughts, feelings and behaviors have long outlived their usefulness. They occur more out of habit now, and their effect is an inner brat that is potentially destructive to yourself and to those around you.

With our current culture emphasizing speed, high expectations and immediate gratification, people get more frustrated, more often. And because frustration usually generates aggression, we see more and more people angry at themselves and at others. Such conditions are bound to contribute to a major brat epidemic.

We have come to assume and take for granted that we should be entertained, stimulated, never have to wait, and that skills should come easily. Furthermore, if life isn't easy, we're entitled to complain or even have a tantrum. Unless we recognize the impulsive side of our inner brat we will continue to feel dissatisfied and frustrated.

Excessive brattiness in our society emerged from circumstances under which the baby boom generation grew up: Housing, education, manufacturing, entertainment and advertising were all directed at making their lives more comfortable. With extended families no longer living close together, the children of the nuclear family, rather than the larger family as a whole, became the focus of attention. Baby boomers got the impression that the world revolved around them. As far as they were concerned, it did. The culture in which they grew up encouraged a narcissistic view of the world in which youngsters assumed that everything they did and thought was extraordinarily important, and that they deserved to be catered to. And now they hold the same beliefs for their children.

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